i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
