Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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