Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
