I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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