I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
