My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You can't motorboat a personality
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
