Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
