no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
