I could make wine with my vomit
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
