In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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