My sheets look like a crime scene.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
