I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
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After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
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New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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