shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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