I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
