I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize