the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
