I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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