Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
