Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
