Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
