remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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