News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
