I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
