Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
