I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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