You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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