Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
