i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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