1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
