What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
