My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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