Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
