Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
