I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
