we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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