So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
