She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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