I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize