you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
