I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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