Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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