A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
