I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
