I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize