my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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