I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
