you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
