You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need to calm my uterus...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
