You really coming over, don't trick.
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
