If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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