I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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