I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
