That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
