Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
