My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Randomize
