So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
